10:31 p.m. - 2005-02-16
Journaling depression? no it doesn't work.
Oddly depressed tonight. No particular reason. Just feeling down. A lot of stress schoolwise. Tax time is always stressful too since I file my writing as a business and make next to nothing, the worry is always that someone will say no you can't claim that cause you're not making enough to support it. Sigh. Yeah so I'm not a pro writer yet. So sue me.

Thinking about characters and how odd it is when people like different characters for totally different reasons. Then there's the concept of what makes a man or what makes a woman. Are we so simple? Are all women girly? All men masculine and brooding? This topic was brought up in class this past week as well as by an internet friend.

The class context was general, debate is only man can really write about a man and a woman about a woman, but then a guy brought up that not all men are alike, he didn't feel super masculine or what the "norm" of guys should be, so why should the character be. I think on that too. I wonder. I'm not a very feminine woman so I've always felt it hard to write in the view of a woman. I'm not overly emotional, I hate to shop, I don't wear dresses or heels. One of my recent female characters has a lot of my traits (with a few other more problematic ones of her own). But she almost felt too boyish so I added a few things she does like, like fashion, pretty clothes, and to occasionally look pretty. So now I'm working on a story about an ecentric young man and I wonder why his ecentricities make him less a man. He likes to dye his hair, does care much for style but likes jewelry (thinks it makes him look pop star shiek), he's a little over emotional (yeah I've known a few guys like that). So I wonder if I've emasculated him.

Okay so I guess it's not just the character thing or the stress from school that's bugging me. If it was the journaling would have cured that. I'm tough skinned, there's not much I can't handle. Maybe I'm feeling my age creep up on me. Two weeks till the big 27. :( One step closer to 30. God am I really that old?

I think work is bugging me too. Ever feel like people around you just pretend to like you even though they can't stand you? I feel like that a lot and I try to be nice to everyone, but sometimes I say things that may be taken the wrong way. I've always been like that. Always saying the wrong thing without meaning to. Brain and mouth are not attached, not like brain and fingers. Grr. So anyway. Yeah. Still not better. I think it's time to go to bed.

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