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8:07 a.m. - 2006-11-10 The race of independence is certainly a tiring one. I was up a little late last night I suppose. Have been most of the week. I've been sleeping better though, like a log most nights until just before the alarm goes off. I guess sometimes when the world keeps spinning and we're trying to make sense of it, there's a sense of disorientation, exhaustion and defeat. That's not to say of course that I've given up in anyway. I am one of the last people to care one way or another who wins as long as I can keep moving. Maybe that's the problem with my life, now that I'm out of school I don't feel very mobile. Do I live for late nights and last second term papers? Not really. I think I live to strive to be better than what I am. Better than most other ordinary people who just spend day after day grinding the world beneath their lazy feet. Sounds like I'm not a very nice person than. Too devoted to self aspirations. I wonder if that's from so many years being the slave to my parents, working so much for nothing, going home to clean and care for a home that wasn't mine. The effect of being a middle child who never got attention, never did anything important, and has grown up to hate attention, people, and stupidty. Of course we are what our childhood made us. That's what childhood is for. Shaping the insanity that will become us. I wonder a lot of the time how different my life would be if major events had followed another path in my life. Like if I'd stayed in Tennesee and christian record production in collge. Or what if I'd stayed with Adrian? What if I'd really given up everything in my life, thrown caution to the wind at 18 and met Martin in New York like he wanted me too. I suppose there was a lot that shaped the present. My place in corporate America's bottom rung has definetly been a struggle. And a lot of the time I wonder if I'd be doing better elsewhere. You know where high school wasn't the in thing and we were all grown ups, and maybe you didn't have to count on others to do their own work because you're judged as a team not as an individual. But realistically? There's no way. The world is filled with a lot of stupid people who are out for themselves but have no idea how to take care of themselves. Now I'm all about self preservation. But being stupid about it just makes me hate people even more. Wouldn't it be cool if there could be an island for people like me? Those of us who hate the rest of the world and just want to work and play without being bothered with the idiots of life. Yeah I'd like an island.
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